And so suddenly. I had pictured this moment in my
mind a few times, imagined it painfully in the times when I realized
there was no solution and it was going to happen either I wanted it or not. Because
we had to be realistic, we both had plans, plans made before we met each
other, plans that were not going to change. For that reason I had
played our breakup in my mind like the ugly scene in the movie I just had to
endure. But I had never pictured this scenario. We both lying
in a bed, me completely unprepared, and he saying the ugliest words I had
ever heard in my life.
"I don't think this is working"
And just like that I could feel something in me dying. Seriously, I'm not
being overly dramatic trying to say my heart or soul were dying. It was me; the
me I had become in the last two months was dying. Her last breaths tried to
change his mind promising improvement and change but it didn't work, his
stubbornness and his lack of desire to give me a second chance were choking the
new me. She was so fragile, so open, so needy. So stupidly in love, up to the
point of blindness. She hadn't seen this coming at all, she was as unprepared
as it gets. I had to step up for her, if I didn't the pillow would probably
become wet with tears and that would be embarrassing (as if
practically begging for a second chance wasn't pathetic enough).
I managed to trade the pain for anger, pushed myself out of the bed and reached
for my clothes in the dark. I had barely unpacked my bag, perfect, it took me
less than two minutes to clear the room from my stuff and leave that room
forever.
That was the last time I was in his bedroom.
He asked me where was I going and if I wanted a ride, but I didn't want his
politeness, in fact it just fed my anger.
"I just need to get out of here, I just need to leave" I replied
sharply.
Then, in second of weakness (because she was weak in my eyes, she was me but at
the same time she was s completely different person, a person I wasn't sure I approved
of entirely), the new me made one last appearance for him as I kneeled down
next to him, caressed his cheek softly and muttered "I'm sorry".
There was nothing else to be said.
My old self grew stronger from that day on. I cried the pain out of my body for
the next few days, if someone would have told me this was how I'd be spending
one of my last weekends in Vail I wouldn't have believed it and get pissed for
being called a pussy. As my old self took over, washing away any remains of the
new me that had been born but would never grow, I decided I would hate him for
this. Because it was his fault. He had made me need him so much, calling me his
girlfriend even after I had told him I wasn't the relationship type. Giving me
gifts that made me uncomfortably warm inside, and then melted me with his
fucking sweetness. He had been too good, I hadn't. I would hate him for that.
And for that awful breakup that didn't fit my script. Ugh, just when I thought
he was boringly safe he had to get out of character and do this to me. He would
know my rage, I would show him just how much hate I had boiling for him...
But I miss him so, so much.
Shit. Yes, my old self was taking over but that didn't mean the previous host
of my body was already dead. She was still hanging in there, surprisingly
strong for such a weak creature. She wanted to see him, to be his friend at
least. Her heart still jumped when he entered a room or when someone said his
name.
Louie.
Why did he have to have such a sweet name? It just pissed me off, how could I
insult someone with that name? I knew that even after I had
eradicated her from my system her desire to approach him again would just
linger in me for a while and it would be hard to ignore, so I decided to grant
her one last wish, a going away present you could say.
So, a week after the breakup, I told him I wanted to talk to him after work. I
made Nico remind him of this, I didn't have the balls to say it twice. I
expressed my desire to remain friends just as he had suggested the day he broke
up with me. He was cold, unusually cold to me. I started rambling about how
Florence+The machine made me sad because it reminded me of happier days (I talk
shit when I'm nervous) and his body stiffened and he said in a tone as cold as ice:
"I don't want to be your boyfriend. I just want to
be your friend"
You won't make any friends with that fucked up attitude I though coolly.
Another part of me was holding tears and feeling miserable, I ignored that
part.
"Oh no" I pretended astonishment "I don't want to get back
together, no. I was just saying I want us to be friends, like you said"
His face relaxed a bit. Woah, seriously? Did the idea of being with me really
repulsed him that much? Asshole. The new me was torn between hiding in the
bathroom and cry or grab him by the collar and demand for an explanation for his
attitude. What did I do to make you hate me that much? What can I do to
repair all of this? What happened to us?!
Shut up!
The new me curled in a corner of my mind, subdued by my old self who was afraid
of showing any emotions at that moment. I pulled myself together and managed to
give him what I hoped was a sweet smile. That seemed to soften him a little and
we walked to the bus stop together. It was a crappy first conversation,
coldness still dripping rom him while I talked about things that didn't even
interest me. It was very much like the last time we had walked that bridge
together, the day we broke up, except he didn't try to pretend warmness this
time, and I faked mine all the time.
I hoped this masochistic action towards my pride was enough for her. My pride
hurt. I wanted to break things. As soon as I got home I tried to shrug it off
and relax, it was a Wednesday after all, White trash Wednesday, and I had been
out of the clubs for too long, it was time to go back.
That night I ended up sleeping at a boy's room. Not in his bed luckily, alcohol
hadn't trashed ne that bad, but I still made out with him in front of everyone
at the bar. Apparently. Because, to be honest, I don't remember a damn thing.
I went straight to work the next morning, didn't even woke him up. Louie wasn't
there. What could I have said anyway?
"Hello, new friend, guess where I woke up this morning?"
Nah. As much as I would have loved to tell him that it wasn't the right thing,
probably better if nobody found out anyway. Who was I kidding, this was
Vail and everyone knew everything. Everyone, but him.
