lunes, 17 de febrero de 2014

“We’ll always have Venice”



It happens. After a few weeks going out, when everything still seems magical and new but you start feeling the first few traces of familiarity with your brand new significant other, couples start to romanticize the moment when they first met. Either because it’s an endearing and fun topic that will end in playful sex or either because people start asking “so, you two, how did that happen?”. For him it was the time he came to a party in my residence in Giudecca (we both currently live in Venice) with a bunch of his other Spanish friends and every time he talked about that moment I would just nod and agree silently, even thought we didn’t exchange more than a couple of words that night. Finally I had to confess that I had been so wasted my memories were actually just blurry images and the only reason I was sure he was there that night was because of the group picture he uploaded to his Facebook. I insisted the actual moment when we met was the first time we went out just the two of us, weeks after that first encounter. It was the first time we actually saw each other, and from it just went on.

The next morning after the party in my residence I woke up with a headache and a friend request on my Facebook. I recalled his name simply because of the fact that it was plain rare and he had shown me and my friend how to roll cigarettes, an important ability in a country where a pack of cigarettes costs as much as my lunch. He began sending me messages and I recall a couple of jewels from our conversations: I told him I had learnt to roll cigarettes on YouTube and he replied that if he ever slept with a Peruvian girl and she told him she had learnt it on YouTube he’d get a heart attack (smooth, really smooth). On another occasion I teased him calling him a “gay model” and he said he would show me he wasn’t gay and I’d love it. So in my mind the guy was kind of a predator I would do better staying far away from. Still, after those weird innuendos we fell into regular Facebook chat and one day we both found each other without plans on a Wednesday evening. I told him I’d let him know if me and my friends decided to go out but when none of them did he asked me to just go by myself. In reality I was a bit scared of being alone with the guy but my roommate and my friend told me to go out and have some fun. After I complained that I hardly knew him my friend grabbed me by the shoulders “You’ve been complaining all week about how you haven’t partied since you got here, so just shut up and go out with this guy”. So I meekly went back to my computer and agreed to meet him.

While he went to fetch some Muscatel (oh, those times when I only drank sweet wine) I put on some makeup, but not too much that he would think I was trying to impress him (it was not a date after all). I hopped on the water bus and asked him where I should get off to meet him. His text arrived too late and I got off one stop too early. I replied I didn’t mind walking for five minutes, lit a cigarette and made my way to the stop of San Basilio. On my way there I tried to remember bits of information about him he might try to recall about the only time we had met, but I had nothing, even his face seemed blurry. Whenever I tried to remember the guy all I got was his Facebook profile picture, an over stylized photo of him that had made me call him a gay model… Half an hour and four glasses of wine after we were introduced. That was one of my last memories of that evening. So when I arrived to San Basilio I was expecting a flashy dude who would only be trying to woo me, it didn’t worry me, I’d take the free alcohol and run away at midnight in full Cinderella style. 

There were three guys hanging around the water bus stop, but none seemed slim or tall enough to be him. I checked anyway, my memory wasn’t trust worthy. When I finally realized the guy wasn’t there I texted him I was going back home. He called me silly and arrived a minute later. I don’t remember what he was wearing, maybe a brown leather jacket with matching sneakers, who knows (he was definitely wearing that). What I do remember clearly is that his hair was slightly disheveled, his smile had a tad of shyness to it and his voice was soft.  “Hi, how are you, cutie?” What would normally sound flirty (and I hate flirty men) sounded friendly coming from him. There was a moment when I wanted to check if this was indeed the guy I had planned to meet tonight. He was carrying a bottle of wine, so I had to assume that, yeah, it was him. He looked over my shoulder and asked me where were the rest.  I eyed him hesitantly, the rest?

“Aren’t your friends coming too?”
“Uh, no, I don’t think so”
“Oh, well, we might bump into my roommates in Campo anyway”

He led me through the dimly lit streets of Venice towards Campo Santa Margherita and asked me about a friend of mine with whom he had been chatting that first night. I told him he was resting at the residence and that if he wanted he could call him and see if he wanted to join us, so he texted him. I found his interest in getting my friends there a bit annoying: “Hey man, you wanted to hang out with me or with the whole Peruvian gang?” I thought indignantly, but immediately tossed the thought: it wasn’t a date. I’d take whatever came tonight, either if it was a tranquil night drinking outside or a wild party with a bunch of strangers, I’d welcome it all. The fact that he wasn’t acting interested freed me of the coldness I usually wear to keep men at a distance. We engaged in conversation and aided by the alcohol I talked without caring what he thought about me. I wasn’t trying to impress him, he wasn’t trying to impress me; we were just two souls crossing paths with a bottle of wine. When we run out of alcohol he told me he had another one at his place, I wasn’t completely comfortable with the idea of going to his house but I agreed anyway. We found his four Italian roommates sitting in the kitchen, the only time I’ve seen them all together I might add. I chatted a bit with them in English, he didn’t catch a word. They made me laugh and I returned the favor, I liked them instantly. While we were leaving his house my roommate called me, I had asked her to check on me in case I needed a getaway call. I found myself having fun so I told her everything was fine and I’d be getting home a bit late that night. We went back to Campo and we sat on a bench, we talked about our previous jobs, the reason why we were in Venice, we talked about so much I can’t say I remember it all. It started raining and we sat under a door and continued talking like it wasn’t pouring on us. He showed me his digital work on his iPhone, I said I liked it and it was true. He told me about his crazy travelling plans, I said I thought they were incredible and it was true.  He said he loved moments like this when he found himself locked in conversation with someone interesting instead of mindless drinking in a bar and I said I loved them too and it was true. He was funny and, by god, when a man makes me laugh I know I will stick around for more. He was also very human, he talked about his bad luck and his flaws and I felt he completely accepted them. Again, neither of us was trying to impress the other so we could be as natural as we wanted to and I liked that about him. When the rain turned into showers he suggested we went to his house. Sleeping with him or even kissing him hadn’t crossed my mind yet, I just thought I truly liked the guy and my perception of someone had never changed so drastically in a day. When we arrived I realized it was already too late to go back home and I decided to crash on his sofa. I didn’t even ask him if I could, I just told him I would. In part it was the alcohol but I felt good around him, we had just met but I felt a certain familiarity and if he had never tried to kiss me I know we would have become friends anyway. He was 7 years older than me so the idea of anything developing between the two of us seemed ridiculous at the time, all I knew was that I wanted his name in my close circle of friends. But sometimes things happen for a reason and, after we watched what I could only describe as a crappy movie, at 6am he finally kissed me. When I wouldn’t let him go further we went to the kitchen to smoke a cigarette and he told me he liked me and wanted to see me again. Earlier in the evening we had both said we weren’t looking for anything close to a relationship, but I also felt I wanted to see him again so when we finished our cigarettes we went back to the sofa to make out while the sun rose. Two hours later I told him I had to go and he put on his jacket and walked outside with me, invited me breakfast on the cafeteria next to the university and then went home to catch some sleep.

Almost four months later here we are, it seems longer in a way, it seems shorter in others, and if I had to decide when the moment when we actually met was I wouldn’t say it was that day at my residence, nor when we were talking in Campo. It was when he arrived in San Basilio, and I saw a stranger approaching. I was sober, I was expectant and when I saw him I immediately felt the night would go well. I’ve been out with guys and I have agreed to a second date because there was one or two things I liked about them, but with this one… I just went back to him because I liked him, plain and simple. I liked the way his gaze got lost when he talked about something that excited him, his messy hair the next morning, the shine in his eyes after he told me he liked me, the way his body fit with mine while we were cuddling in the narrow sofa, the energy that radiated from him that night… And even if that energy turns off every once in a while when things go wrong after bad luck strikes and he turns off like a light bulb I still like him. After his first rough moments of anger that come with disappointment I got to see him vulnerable and, for someone who is so scared to show any signs of vulnerability, seeing someone in that state made me develop a caring side; I had never wanted to take care of someone as I wanted to take care of him.

Almost four months have passed and the more I like him the more our time shortens. Life is a bitch, joining people just to pull them apart. The only thing keeping me from pondering constantly on the 5,668 miles that will be between us in a couple of weeks are my impending exams. But I will never regret meeting him, I will never regret skipping Halloween to eat pizza under a church with him, I will never regret every party I changed for a quiet movie night at his house, I will never regret the tears that will come when we finally part our separate ways, because it will have been worth every second of it. When someone makes you happy, enjoy the ride while it lasts. But when someone makes you happy, angry, cheerful, frustrated, wishful, confused, tender, and happy again then, by god, stick with that guy for as long as you can, and if life decides to be a bitch with you two then hope that one day, perhaps one day, life will make it up to you. Or you’ll save enough money for a transatlantic plane ride, whatever comes first. In the meantime I’ll be cuddling with my Spanish man, tangling our limbs so hard we can’t come apart, clutching to the memories we have created in these months, stroking the messy hair he hates and I love, listening to his slowing heartbeat and close my eyes and wish he’ll be there when I wake up.

martes, 31 de julio de 2012

31/01/12


Entonces me di cuenta de que estaba deseando algo que jamás podría tener. Él era un alquiler del tiempo, un préstamo y nada más. Mientras me sentaba en su cama recorriendo su habitación con la mirada me pregunté qué estaba haciendo ahí. Estaba sembrando una pena que cosecharía muy pronto cuando se vaya. Me estaba enamorando de algo efímero y no había vuelta atrás.
Debí parar en ese instante, pero en vez de eso doblé las sábanas y fui a esperarlo en la sala, contando los minutos para verlo, contando los días para perderlo.

miércoles, 9 de mayo de 2012

Love, maybe.


And so suddenly. I had pictured this moment in my mind a few times,  imagined it painfully in the times when I realized there was no solution and it was going to happen either I wanted it or not. Because we had to be realistic, we both had plans, plans made before we met each other, plans that were not going to change. For that reason I had played our breakup in my mind like the ugly scene in the movie I just had to endure. But I had never pictured this scenario. We both lying in a bed, me completely unprepared, and he saying the ugliest words I had ever heard in my life.

"I don't think this is working"

And just like that I could feel something in me dying. Seriously, I'm not being overly dramatic trying to say my heart or soul were dying. It was me; the me I had become in the last two months was dying. Her last breaths tried to change his mind promising improvement and change but it didn't work, his stubbornness and his lack of desire to give me a second chance were choking the new me. She was so fragile, so open, so needy. So stupidly in love, up to the point of blindness. She hadn't seen this coming at all, she was as unprepared as it gets. I had to step up for her, if I didn't the pillow would probably become wet with tears and that would be embarrassing (as if practically begging for a second chance wasn't pathetic enough). 

I managed to trade the pain for anger, pushed myself out of the bed and reached for my clothes in the dark. I had barely unpacked my bag, perfect, it took me less than two minutes to clear the room from my stuff and leave that room forever. 

That was the last time I was in his bedroom.

He asked me where was I going and if I wanted a ride, but I didn't want his politeness, in fact it just fed my anger. 

"I just need to get out of here, I just need to leave" I replied sharply.

Then, in second of weakness (because she was weak in my eyes, she was me but at the same time she was s completely different person, a person I wasn't sure I approved of entirely), the new me made one last appearance for him as I kneeled down next to him, caressed his cheek softly and muttered "I'm sorry".

There was nothing else to be said.

My old self grew stronger from that day on. I cried the pain out of my body for the next few days, if someone would have told me this was how I'd be spending one of my last weekends in Vail I wouldn't have believed it and get pissed for being called a pussy. As my old self took over, washing away any remains of the new me that had been born but would never grow, I decided I would hate him for this. Because it was his fault. He had made me need him so much, calling me his girlfriend even after I had told him I wasn't the relationship type. Giving me gifts that made me uncomfortably warm inside, and then melted me with his fucking sweetness. He had been too good, I hadn't. I would hate him for that. And for that awful breakup that didn't fit my script. Ugh, just when I thought he was boringly safe he had to get out of character and do this to me. He would know my rage, I would show him just how much hate I had boiling for him...

But I miss him so, so much.

Shit. Yes, my old self was taking over but that didn't mean the previous host of my body was already dead. She was still hanging in there, surprisingly strong for such a weak creature. She wanted to see him, to be his friend at least. Her heart still jumped when he entered a room or when someone said his name.

Louie.

Why did he have to have such a sweet name? It just pissed me off, how could I insult someone with that name? I knew that even after I had eradicated her from my system her desire to approach him again would just linger in me for a while and it would be hard to ignore, so I decided to grant her one last wish, a going away present you could say.

So, a week after the breakup, I told him I wanted to talk to him after work. I made Nico remind him of this, I didn't have the balls to say it twice. I expressed my desire to remain friends just as he had suggested the day he broke up with me. He was cold, unusually cold to me. I started rambling about how Florence+The machine made me sad because it reminded me of happier days (I talk shit when I'm nervous) and his body stiffened and he said in a tone as cold as ice:

"I don't  want to be your boyfriend. I just want to be your friend"

You won't make any friends with that fucked up attitude I though coolly. Another part of me was holding tears and feeling miserable, I ignored that part. 

"Oh no" I pretended astonishment "I don't want to get back together, no. I was just saying I want us to be friends, like you said"

His face relaxed a bit. Woah, seriously? Did the idea of being with me really repulsed him that much? Asshole. The new me was torn between hiding in the bathroom and cry or grab him by the collar and demand for an explanation for his attitude. What did I do to make you hate me that much? What can I do to repair all of this? What happened to us?!

Shut up! 

The new me curled in a corner of my mind, subdued by my old self who was afraid of showing any emotions at that moment. I pulled myself together and managed to give him what I hoped was a sweet smile. That seemed to soften him a little and we walked to the bus stop together. It was a crappy first conversation, coldness still dripping rom him while I talked about things that didn't even interest me. It was very much like the last time we had walked that bridge together, the day we broke up, except he didn't try to pretend warmness this time, and I faked mine all the time.

I hoped this masochistic action towards my pride was enough for her. My pride hurt. I wanted to break things. As soon as I got home I tried to shrug it off and relax, it was a Wednesday after all, White trash Wednesday, and I had been out of the clubs for too long, it was time to go back.

That night I ended up sleeping at a boy's room. Not in his bed luckily, alcohol hadn't trashed ne that bad, but I still made out with him in front of everyone at the bar. Apparently. Because, to be honest, I don't remember a damn thing. 

I went straight to work the next morning, didn't even woke him up. Louie wasn't there. What could I have said anyway? 

"Hello, new friend, guess where I woke up this morning?"

Nah. As much as I would have loved to tell him that it wasn't the right thing, probably better if nobody found out anyway. Who was I kidding, this was Vail and everyone knew everything. Everyone, but him.

viernes, 15 de abril de 2011

"La muerte es sólo un pensamiento, nada más, nada más..."

Me acuerdo de que cuando era una niña, mi hermano y yo pasábamos todos los veranos en la casa de nuestros abuelos en la playa. Ellos tenían una casa en San Bartolo y ninguna otra cosa que hacer que pasar tiempo con sus nietos. Nuestra madre nos llevaba a la playa los domingos en la noche y regresaba por nosotros los sábados en la mañana para pasar el fin de semana con nuestros padres e ir al dentista y a mis clases de arte.

La casa de nuestros abuelos tenía muebles antiguos y emanaba un tenue olor a mar. También había un perro, un cocker negro llamado Mota que vivía en la terraza. La primera vez que lo vi alguien me dijo que ya estaba muy viejo y que no le quedaba mucho tiempo. No era verdad. Yo jugué con ese perro por más de 7 años hasta que un día fui a visitar a mis abuelos y me di cuenta de que la terraza estaba vacía.

Todos los días eran iguales. Me levantaba a las 11 de la mañana y cuando bajaba las escaleras siempre encontraba a mi abuelo leyendo su periódico, siempre en el sofá pegado a la ventana. Tomaba mi desayuno con mi tía Patty y mi prima María, quien tenía 6 años más que yo. No le caía muy bien, hasta el momento en el que nací ella había sido la menor de los nietos y la más engreída, luego vine yo y cambié todo. Sí, tenía razones para resentirme, pero por suerte eso cambiaría con el paso de los años. Después de desayunar íbamos a la playa con mi tía, quien siempre le compraba helados al mismo heladero que se llamaba Martín y conocía mi casa, así que podíamos pedirle fiado todos los helados que quisiéramos y luego mi abuelo los pagaría. Él nunca se negaba a cumplirnos un capricho, a ninguno de sus nietos. Cuando mi tía no estaba, nos llevaba al club Náutico, donde había una balsa. Yo tenía miedo de nadar en aquellas aguas verdosas y saladas, así que me quedaba en la piscina con mi abuela y mi hermano, pero mi abuelo amaba el mar y siempre nadaba hasta la balsa y podía quedarse horas bronceándose en aquel cuadradito de madera en medio de las olas. Cuando regresaba a la orilla, subía las escaleras y su cadena de plata brillaba al sol, se veía muy joven y atlético a pesar de que entonces ya tenía como sesenta años. Mi abuelo tenía una gran cruz de plata en su cadena, y cuando nos dejó, mi abuela me regaló la cadenita, pero nunca pudo encontrar la cruz.

Después de los largos días en la playa regresábamos a la casa y almorzábamos. Después, todos veíamos Mi Bella Genio y Encantada en la televisión. En ese entonces aún no llegaba el cable a la playa, así que todos los días veíamos los mismos programas. También jugaba a las cartas con mi abuela y sus amigas, y como ella ama los crucigramas, a veces la ayudaba con las palabras en inglés. Era lo único con lo que podía ayudarla, ni siquiera ahora con secundaria completa y un año de universidad podría ganarle en los crucigramas. Mi abuela tiene pocos pasatiempos, pero en los pocos que tiene es muy, muy buena.

Pasaron los años hasta que un día mi abuela me presentó a las nietas de su mejor amiga y dejé de pasar las tardes en la casa para salir con ellas. Con mis nuevas amigas conocí a muchas personas de mi edad y los días quedarme a ver televisión y nadar en la piscina sólo con mi abuela y mi hermano terminaron, pero tendré por siempre los recuerdos de esos días cálidos y tranquilos, cuando no tenía absolutamente nada que hacer, y era feliz sin saberlo.



miércoles, 23 de febrero de 2011

Te amo (no te la creas, yo sólo amo a mi perro)



La vida, antes y después de que las hormonas tengan una orgía en tu cerebro.




The sky is so delightfully orange, so delightfully soft, so delightfully eatable.
The sky is a freaking chizito, see what I mean?
I swear, honey, that if I only knew how to love, you´d be the sun in my mornings and I´d be the moon in your darkest night.
But don’t expect much, I feel, but never act on it; just ask my parents, whom I love very much but they have NO clue.
I can hear you in the silence of a park, I can taste your mouth in the clouds, I can see your eyes in the black sky.
Actually, those are just stars, and your eyes could hardly compare to the beauty of a dying ball of shining gas; but, ok, let’s say I DO see your eyes in the black sky.
Maybe one day I´ll open the box in my chest and give you the remains of what was once a beating heart. Will you keep them or burn them? That’s the part that makes me shiver, honey, not knowing what you will do.
You know what also makes me shiver? Your coldness. I mean, I’m baring my soul here and you’re just reading it like if they were the news, come on!
My hair is dancing like the leaves in the trees, like the promises we made in silence, like the question that no one dares to utter.
This may kill the romanticism but I’m just gonna say it: you love me or what?
It’s just that when our fingers intertwine I’m torn in two. Take or give? Take away the bliss form my soul, or give you every piece of myself, even the useless broken ones.
Just in case it´s not yet clear, I’m broken inside. It´s some oblivious teenager’s fault, he probably has no idea of what he did to me. But, you know me, always keen to take a bullet in the chest for a hot guy!
I don’t want to share. I don’t want to lose. I don’t want you to go…
I know I’m starting to sound a little psycho, but love is what it is, you have to embrace the insanity if you want the real thing. Which is: … seeing me naked?
But I don’t want to stay
I have no clue of what could make me happy.  I thought it could be you, but I think I’m just gonna go ask a prescription for Prozac.
I hate feelings.
Pero los extraño.

lunes, 21 de febrero de 2011

Drizzle and Hurricane

"I wanted so badly to lie down next to her on the couch, to wrap my arms around her and sleep. Not fuck, like in those movies. Not even have sex. Just sleep together, in the most innocent sense of the phrase. But I lacked the courage and she had a boyfriend and I was gawky and she was gorgeous and I was hopelessly boring and she was endlessly fascinating. So I walked back to my room and collapsed on the bottom bunk, thinking that if people were rain, I was drizzle and she was hurricane."

- John Green, Looking for Alaska.



Dj failure



Musica.